Molly's Pub and my First Fattie

Just so everyone knows, if I offend anyone with what gets thrown down upon this short bus of a blog well, I have got to tell you that I hope you get an inoperable malignant tumor intertwined amongst your spinal cord nerves, and that your children are born with spina bifida. Which means it will have to walk on its hands. Fucking Die!
I keep using this sugar-free syrup and it gives me the worst fucking farts. They don't smell anything like the artificially sweetened sticky liquid heaven that I slather on my marginally edible pancakes, but rather, moldy, soiled, wet diapers that are peeled off a recently deceased senior citizen at a poorly-maintained retirement home. But hey, at least it cuts down on my carbs. (And now I smell as bad as I look)
I remember going to this complete shit hole called Molly's Pub on Main Street in Buffalo. Obviously it got shut down. But the beauty of this dump was that they had a drink special once a week that was too great to pass up. 25 cent draft and 50 cent well mixed drinks!!!!!! This was the greatest excuse in the world to go out with your friends when you had little to no money to spend. Now this fucking cyst of a bar was packed with kids who were not of legal drinking age and of course one particular evening I found that a certain girl who was cursed with a combination of a slow metabolism and an under active thyroid,(read: fucking fat) had taken a liking to me. Now please remember that this was at least 5 years ago and I had spent at least 15 dollars on myself that night(read:I was a complete puddle of shit) So as fate would have it myself and this girl whom I will coin Fattie McFatTits, began to do a little something I like to call; "eating each others faces." Now I made the fatal error of doing this in front of at least a half dozen of my friends but her big fat girl titties kept me from utilizing rational thought that evening. Hang tight, things get worse.....much worse.
So after a good half hour of this disgusting display of public affection towards one another. The general consensus between the two of us was to go back to Fattie McFatTits apartment which was nearby. Now I wrestled this baby hippo into my car which at the time was a Cadillac Seville STS, (plenty of room for a obese whore) and we were on our way. Now because i've had so much to drink it was taking 110% of my concentration to keep my Caddy between the lines, but while I was doing this I felt a pair of fat girl eyes burning a hole in the side of my drunken skull. So I look over and sure enough Shamu's staring at me! She then opened her big, chubby, food entrance, and started a conversation that I wish I could forget, but I know that I never will.

FMFT(Fattie McFatTits): "I bet I know what you are thinking right now."
Me: "Alright. Shoot."
FMFT: "You're thinking about fucking my brains out!"
Me: "Riiiight."

At this point she reached over and undid my jeans and bent over to start doing what I call, "foreplay." It was at this point when I noticed that no matter how hard I pushed the gas pedal down on my Caddy that the car would not go any faster. Now this particular car had a floor shifter and even though the foreplay had already begun, a wave of nausea washed over me because I had just discovered what the automotive trouble was. Fattie's huge gut had completely engulfed my shifter and shifted my car into neutral! I had to peel her sweaty flesh off my leather shift knob to put the car back into drive!
Now I understand that this was a pretty gross story and if you don't want to know what happens next, I understand. But if you do, then here you go.

We arrived at Cholesterol Queen's place without further incident and to the bedroom we went! It was here that she flopped down upon her industrial-strength, steel-reinforced bed and I decided that I would not follow suit. I decided to stand next to the bed and just pull my pants down to my shoes and proceed to close my eyes and hope for the best. After a few minutes of me thinking I was somewhere much better with someone much better looking, I drained the poison, pulled up my jeans and I disappeared into the night like a ninja. Kill Yourself.